Feeling Mischievous Hearing Brahms Advice from the wiser, HAH!
Here I sit sitting sieza on a meditation bench. Getting my life together drinking lots of green tea and getting as much exercise as I can possibly do with my injured body. Taking off tomorrow to rest and catch up on my housework. I went to a meeting last night and a few people seemed glad to see me. Sat through half of the meeting and had to walk to the hallway to stand up because of the pain in my upper back. Seen Nas and decided to call him today. Got a rash of shit from him as usual. I like this guy but I almost told him to go get fucked and I think I did in a nice way. I told him that I handle my life better drunk than most of the people in AA do sober and I know how to live my life and I don't want anyone telling me what to I need to do or how I should live. His reply to my being able to handle my life better drunk than most people sober was: So, you are unique. I said YES, I am unique and so are you. I've finally found a reason to go to AA, so I'll get agitated and have more to write about. I hate the program and all of that AA bullshit sometimes.

Living in Sin Joel and I have been living together for almost 5 months now. He's not the first guy I've lived with, but he's by far the best. We had 3 really rough months, but since Xmas break...things have been a lot better.
Right before the break we were fighting so hard that we were both sure the end was near. We were fighting about petty things. I think we had both built the other up to be something we weren't. Miscommunication. Misunderstanding. Misery.
I think what fixed us was a 12 hour car trip with my parents. Joel saw me in my home environment (no holds barred scrapping with my family) and I saw him in such a positive light interacting with "the fam". I have past experience to base interaction with my family on. He wins.
I love him. He loves me. What more could you ask for?

Mouse...
"And in 150 years, one will not remember it
Of your first wrinkle, our bad choice,
Life which kisses us, of all these merchants of weapons,
Types which vote the laws there low with the government,
This world which pushes, of this world which shouts,
Time which advances, of the melancholy,
The heat of the kisses and this rain which runs,
And of the wounded love and all that one us rolls,
Then mouse.

In 150 years, one will not remember it
Old age which takes, their signs of cross,
Of the child who dies, of the valleys of the Third World,
Of the bastard of hunter which descends the dove,
The EC what were beautiful for you, and of torn off banks,
Years without sleep, 100 million women and
Doors which are closed again to have seen you crying,
Solemn race which condemns without ciller,
Then mouse.

And in 150 years, one will not think of it even more
What one liked, so that one lost,
Go empty our beers for the robbers of the streets!
To finish all in the ground, my god! Which disappointment.
And looks at these skeletons which look at us through,
And do not make the head, do not make them the war,
There will remain to them nothing us, not more than of them,
I would put my hand well of it to be cut or to fire,
Then mouse.

And in 150 years, my love, you and me,
One will be gently, dancing, 2 birds on the cross,
In this ball of classified, still I see broad, to be to you that one will have passed by again in very near, a shipwreck,
But has there nothing other to say, I want nothing to make you believe,
My love, my love, I will have the evil of you,
But has there nothing other to say, I want nothing to make you believe,
My love, my love, I will have the evil of you,
But what you want?... "

Lost

The tears run... With new... I feared this moment there. That where I will release all this pain accumulated since too a long time... I etais myself founded a so rigorous rate/rhythm, so intensive that I did not have any more time to take stock, not time to suffer, cry, to be wounded...

I do not know veritablement any more who I am and at the bottom the regard which I have of me is quite low.
I say being true whereas I do not even know who I am... In the final analysis, I do not think of being differente the different ones, if it is not worse... however it is not wished, it is not desired.

I have some to be me enough, to be liked for a physique a little close suitable and not for what I am me... to be liked without being it really, right because y has anything better for the moment and even Raphael, the only one which liked me, me insupporte I believe.
Its love, its words, its promises, any it... it hurts me... Because in the bottom I do not believe in it. How to admit the possibility that somebody can like you when you ête even not able of you even like?

And it very makes lament of small amateur shemale... I can say even more that I lassume... I lassume more...
Right need to be reconfortée... but would arrive little there I believe...
And then, I will prefererai that one rather tells me the things opposite quit so that Ca makes me very badly, than an arrogant silence and coward.

All this mixture in my head, I do not manage to forget, even while haissant.
I know more what are my feelings, so much they are numerous, so much they are melangés, so much all is scrambled and contradicts themselves.

I am very surrounded, I am appreciée in general rule also and I does not include/understand why this faintness always persists in me... No matter what I make there.... And then it is pitiful, to cry than living rather... And I insupporte. I tests of me booster rocket, it works it nevertheless is true, because I grown, because I takes on me, but when these blows of blues as now return, they are too much painful for the weak person that I am...
I do not want to make in the poesy, I do not even want of poster, I want of nothing and jle make nevertheless...

Yesterday 4 exits were proposed to me whereas my holidays debutaient only since midday and I accepted only one of them.... And I believe that these holidays I will contain myself again on me, inevitably....

It is like being in a tiny dark part with full with doors, bringing back towards thousands of way. And then to be unable to find its road... I ever had the direction of the orientation you know... And the fear is too large if I had suddenly misled me, I do not want to open a door who deboucherait on vacuum and to still fall.... I have the ecorchés knees. Then I even remain recroquevillée on me and does not answer any more when one sounds with my doors...


One gives the mask of nice girl mysterieuse a little too mature, enough smiling, a little too serieuse, adorable and appreciée... without knowing who one is... Apparences. I believe that it is necessary that I put my pride on side to go to see a psychiatrist... There are far too many nonknown as, in my family, far too many wounds, of mysteries which I does not even include/understand me... and any Ca... My dramas, my blockings, my "extrusions"... I need to know... I thought of advancing quickly and well but there are still too many obstacles which prevent me there.
I horripile... Quelques others also undoubtedly think it....

And then considering one plays the chart of the sincerity, at the bottom even if me am lied, I will prefererai that one says to me "but not, you are a girl well, a tender, sincere and adorable girl...." I speak about people who know me veritablement... Those which are always close to me and even those which are foutus of me, my friends, my former friends and all the others... Bien sure, the judgement which of me people do that I do not know to me indiffère a little... But evidemment, nobody reassures me except can be Raphael and still... I do not know....
I ask some too much.... I count much on him... I hold much with him....

Private joke: Julien I miss you, I hope that you are still in life, if you knew like I worry, as I want to be some not to have said to you goodbye, not to have been able to love you as you you liked me bottom of the heart without I it merite... and at which point I needing you... my Me as a man, in more courageous, I also admire you so many paraitre smiling in spite of this disease and any Ca..... Return I you empris.... why my malls are not sent, why my acknowledgements of delivery echouent... You are with the etranger but.... I have a bad presentiment, do not have you the right to leave me... not like him.... It too is....

Lucy i'm flat-out sitting here and staring out the window. the charles is sooo beautiful and the sail boats might as well be toys in a bathtub. finding myself unmotivated and bored by mid-day, i decided to trek out to sloan and sit in on my UROP professor's research presentation. amy and i were the only ones who cracked up when he said "whiteys" (yes, referring to the caucasian samples in his research). he also said he did these presentations as a means to boost his ego during slow times. gotta love that "collegial" atmosphere.